Let me begin this critical and unnecessary post with the purest declaration from my heart, a declaration so deep that you could argue it spawned from the depths of my soul. Spencer’s Gifts is the dopest retail store in the history of man. Let us also recognize that Spencer’s Gifts is a full on chain of stores that exists in every legitimate mall in America, which is in reality a metaphor for how blessed we are in this great country of war, capitalism, herpes, and Coca Cola. Ok you know what, that wasn’t cool of me to throw shade on America. It actually is a pretty darn good country comparative to the rest of the world. Great wages, tons of opportunity, the freedom to complain about everything, hard liquor everywhere (besides the stupid ass southern states that believe in Jesus and shit), and Lady Gaga. This reminds me, I need to do a Lady Gaga write up soon. Her album Mayhem is the best pop record ever. If you disagree about Spencer’s Gifts and/or Lady Gaga, go fuck ya motha (Boston accent). 

I think we all know where this post is going, so without further ado, I made a massive mistake of buying a beautiful looking lava lamp from Spencer’s Gifts. I trusted them, as they have given me so much pleasure throughout my life. I was a bit of a klepto back in high school and even got a few good adrenaline rushes when they were offering up the five finger discount. I once stole a dildo from them and gave it to a girl that I loved, which in retrospect was a huge mistake as the dildo dwarfed my penis and vibrated. How do men even compete nowadays with women earning nearly equal wages and having big vibrating dildos? It is no longer a man’s world. Anyways, the lava lamp selection at Spencer’s Gifts is/was unreal, as they offer gorgeous colors for both the lava and the base. If you don’t believe me, look at this photo I shared of an actual lava lamp from Spencer’s. 

I guess this begs the question, why did I even want a lava lamp in the first place? Well, I had one when I was a kid, and I loved that red lava lamp. I used to shake it up a bunch, which is a big no no, and the bubbles would break into smaller bubbles. I liked that. That lava lamp withstood my childish beatdowns for over a decade without issue. I also love psychedelic drugs and good vibes, so there’s that too. Let’s fast forward to today and cease the nostalgia. As soon as I unboxed the Spencer’s Gift’s lava lamp I was experiencing issues. I didn’t even know the mechanics of a lava lamp prior to getting one from Spencer’s, and that’s how it should be damnit! Well, so you know if you ever end up with a shite lava lamp, there is a metal coil (circular metal ring thingy) at the bottom of the lamp that heats up and gives the lava lamp bubbles their wondrous circular shape. With my previous lava lamp it always stayed in place, but with the Spencer’s one it kept falling out of place on the first use even, and required constant adjustment. I could somehow live with that, as I adapted to the unfortunate circumstance that the Spencer’s Gift’s Lava Lamp sucked ass.

What I couldn’t live with is the fact it completely died in just a few months after all of the work I put in adjusting the stupid fucking metal coil each time it was off kilter. What did I do to deserve such a ghastly fate? Do I not have good karma? Was this revenge for the stolen dildo? Is stealing dildos even a crime? So here I am today with many questions and few answers. I hope that this blog post will steer you in the right direction if you are ever in a Spencer’s Gifts and thinking about purchasing a lava lamp from their impressive selection of options. Stick to their clothing, fun merch, and of course their dildos. 

Fun fact: I did get my brother a t-shirt that said “My bitch got autism” for Christmas from Spencer’s Gifts. It caused a ton of family drama as his wife who seemed to have an extremely thick skin got triggered and was literally screaming and then crying as she has an acquaintance with autism. Out of all the t-shirts they sold that day, this was the only one that was selling out. It’s the perfect t shirt to be honest. And the autism spectrum has gotten so wide that we all have it now. That’s the dark side of America… healthcare is a business first and will convince us of anything to make a buck. I expect my readers to thank me for this important article. You are welcome.